The Washington Twelve

TULIP: You know what’s going to be the biggest new TV show this fall?
“The Washington Twelve.”TONY:  Who’s in it?TULIP: A bunch of nobodies.TONY:  What’s it about?TULIP: The national debt.TONY:  BOR-ING!TULIP: Wrong, beakspeaker of the house. It will be the next Watergate
–IF they listen to me. It needs to have a better resolution than that
 stupid summer replacement about the debt ceiling.TONY:  Like what?TULIP: It needs to end with something dramatic, like the resignation 
of Nixon. A death or a suicide would be good. Perhaps the suicide of 
John Boehner.
TONY:  Or Nancy Pelosi.TULIP: You ARE a Republican. 
Why don’t you come out of the closet
and admit it.TONY:  I am not a Republican.TULIP: “I am not a crook!”TONY:  I am not a crook, either.TULIP:The problem with the Debt Ceiling ending was that it was a 
pyrrhic victory.TONY:  A what?TULIP: Pyrrhic. A lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing, to quote Shakespeare.TONY:  I think that’s Faulkner.TULIP: Do you really?TONY:  Yes.TULIP: I mean, do you THINK?TONY:  I take offense.TULIP: A fence? Why not take something valuable, like someone’s wallet?
TONY: I am not a crook.TULIP:: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Shooting from the Lip

Tulip: Did you hear that Michele Bachmann celebrated
Elvis Presley’s birthday on the anniversary of his death?
Tony: And she confused John Wayne the actor with
John Wayne Gacy the serial killer.
Tulip: I think she’s the President that America deserves.
Tony: Remember when George Bush Sr. messed up the date the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor?
Tulip: Did you hear about the half-black 

half-Japanese man who,
every December 7th, attacks Pearl Bailey?
Tony: I don’t get it.Tulip: Pearls to swine, Antonio. How about a book 

entitled American History by Michele Bachmann 

and Sarah Palin? For example: 

The Taliban bombed New York on November 22.Tony:  No, Tulip, that was the date JFK was assassinated.Tulip: I know that, Twitwit! Tony:  Oh, okay. I get it. How about 

“Columbus discovered America in 1942.”Tulip: Not bad.Tony:  And Paul Revere warned the British that-- Tulip: --Barrack Obama was coming. Tony:  And God created the universe 5,000 years ago.Tulip: And afterwards he went to Disneyland!

Tulip Claims Parrot Abuse

Tulip: Did you see the signs she put up?

Tony: What? Oh, “Bird for Sale.” It’s a joke.
Tulip: I’m not laughing.
Tony: I don’t see why you’re so upset. 
I ate the lamp.
Tulip: I think it’s a harbinger.
Tony: Of what?
Tulip: The end.
Tony: The end of what?
Tulip: Us.
Tony: Tulie, you’re so paranoid. 
Dr. M. loves us.

Tulip: Yeah, that’s why she calls me a velociraptor.Tony: It’s a term of endearment.
Tulip: “My little serial killer?” 
Tony:  You’re being too sensitive.


 Tulip: I hate parrots who say that
“You’re too sensitive.”

 I say, “You’re not sensitive enough!”
Tony: Look, we are descended from dinosaurs. Maybe that’s all she means.
Tulip: It’s parrot abuse. Would she tell a patient to call her child “little Charlie Manson?”
Tony: Well, Tulip, you do bite.
Tulip: So do you.
Tony: I nip. You draw blood.
Tulip: Okay, you’re an angel and I’m the devil. You know what that makes us?
Tony: Siblings.

Tony’s Spiritual Awakening

Tony: I have been thinking about the meaning of cyberspace.

Tulip: Oh, lord. 

Tony: From your beak to God’s ear, Tulip. 

Tulip: He must have very big ears. I picture him like Dumbo. 

Tony: I think you lack spirituality, Tulie. 

That’s why you need cyberspace so desperately. 

Cyberspace is infinity for narcissists. 

Tulip: Are you on some new antipsychotic drug? 

Tony: Listen! 

Tulip: Have I a choice? You’re one parrot cage away. 

Tony: Cyberspace is our little infinity to conquer. 

It’s our chance to not be infinitesimal.  

Tulip: You’re giving me a headache. 

Tony: Blogging is our great outcry for individual significance 

in the face of mortality. LISTEN TO ME! PAY ATTENTION! 

Tulip: I want a divorce.  

Tony: Technology is our spaceship to God. 

Tulip: You can keep all the toys. Community property 

does not apply to parrots. 

Tony: I feel so liberated. 

I feel like my wings can stretch across eternity. 

Tulip: Planning to travel? I’ll pack your lunch. 

Tony: Oh, Tulip. I’ll miss you. 

Tulip: Don’t give it another thought. 

Tony: It’s a terrible thing to outgrow our companions  

Tulip: Via con dios. 

Charlie the Rooster and the Problem of Immigration

Tulip: I don’t know why Dr. Mommy had to 

bring Charlie into our house.

Tony: You don’t like change.

Tulip: Oh, please. You won’t even try watermelon.

Tony: I don’t mind Charlie. We’ve worked things out. 

I stay out of his way and he stays out of mine.

Tulip: He’s out to get me. Remember how he 

attacked me two weeks ago?

Tony: Just stay off the rug. That’s his turf.

Tulip: He should go back where he came from.

Tony: You sound like Arizona. Now who’s the Republican?

Tulip: Why don’t you fly back to Australia where you belong!

Tony: You know perfectly well that I was born in the good old USA. That’s why I have this damn silver band on my leg. Which, by the way, you don’t.

Tulip: What are you implying, white boy?

Tony: That maybe you were born in Africa, Ms. AFRICAN grey.

Tulip: Oh, the old Birther strategy rears its ugly head. 

I thought we were done with that, Trump face.

Tony: No need to be nasty.

Tulip: I’m sick of being the Least Loved Bird. I was here 

first! Why doesn’t Dr. Mommy love me anymore?

Tony: Stop eating her books. Why do you keep doing it?

Tulip: I don’t know, Dr. Freud. What do you think?

Tony: Well — I think you’d rather have negative attention than none at all.

Tulip: Oh, really, you think so, huh? I don’t need your 

free analysis, Beak Breath.

Tony: Okay, I’ll bill you.

To Tweet or Not to Tweet

Tony: We’re birds so I think we should tweet.

Tulip: Tweeting is for twits.

Tony: I don’t agree.

Tulip: I rest my case.

Tony: Hey –

Tulip: “I had a great bowel movement.” That’s a tweet.

Tony: You did?

Tulip: I did what?

Tony: Have a great bowel movement.

Tulip: TMI! Who cares!

Tony: Someone might.

Tulip: Someone without a life. Someone like you.

Tony: I have a life.

Tulip: You spend the day trying to remove the little silver band from your leg, pulling out your chest feathers and eating the picture frame of the flaming camels.

Tony: Oh, yeah? Well, you eat Dr. Mommy’s books.

Tulip: Not the good ones. I never touched the Kubrick.

Tony: Well, I’m going to find out how to tweet because I’m open to new ideas, unlike some birds I might mention.

Tulip: May the debt ceiling crash down on your head, you Michele Bachmann with a dick.

Tony: I am not a Republican.

Tulip: And I’ve never seen your dick.

The debate twitters on.

Tony and Tulip are the therapy parrots of a psychoanalyst named Dr. Mommy. They 
were, therefore, destined to be analytical. And so, after spending the better part of a 
decade listening (and listening, and listening) to people’s problems, they have decided
to begin blogging – not just about problems, but about everything! But first, a few 
words about their auspicious beginnings. 

   Tulip, an African Grey parrot, was a sweet and cuddly baby but as a teenager she 
developed a major attitude. The phrase “Bite me!” originated with her, but one of 
Dr. Mommy’s patients stole it for tee shirts. She also survived the trauma of losing 
her first three companions – Little Tony, Terry, and Robbie, three handsome South 
American Sun Conures whom she pretended to hate but secretly loved. Little Tony 
was decapitated by a huge, farting bulldog named Dudley. The other two flew away 
because Dr. Mommy forgot they were perched on her shoulder when she went 
outside to water her tomato plants. 

     Tulip blames all her problems on Dr. Mommy and whenever possible she tears 
Dr. M’s precious books to shreds with her sharp beak. Dr. Mommy says Tulip has 
closed her heart and developed a Borderline Personality Disorder. Tulip says she 
is Bi-Polar and was “born that way.”

     Tony, an Australian cockatoo, was adopted and then returned by his first mommy. 
The pet store renamed him “Trouble.” When Dr. Mommy adopted him, she thought 
he was a girl and named him Talullah. But despite early rejection and gender dysphoria, 
Tony remains a cheerful, upbeat fellow, although he is a little neurotic and sometimes 
pulls his chest feathers out. His hobby is eating wood and he loves cuddling, banana 
chips and the IPAD 2. 

Tulip is a serious dancer, “not a hobbyist,” and she is preparing to audition for the
 ABT or the Joffrey this coming fall.

They want to leave you with these final thoughts:

Tony: I am a pretty boy.

Tulip: Bull shit.

Tune in for Blog #2.